Ground's Lava

When the ground's lava, you can't stand on it

It's hotter than a hot car bonnet

That's so hot you can fry eggs on it

And fully cook them so you don't vomit

Food safety is important with eggs

Road safety is important with legs

Don't use them to run under a vintage car

That kind of vehicle never goes far.

It's stuck in a parade behind 200 tractors

That cause more pollution than nuclear reactors

Which we don't have any of around here

What we do have though is flywheels and gears

And sprockets and engines and steam powered rollers

The virtues of which l often extol as

I watch them drive past during the parade

And think to myself. That's my day made

I only wish there had been more tractors

And washed-up ex-Coronation Street actors.

Clearly

It's really really really really really really really really really really really really really reall[e]y really really really really really really really really really really really long. Is it too long? I'd say clearly. It wouldn't fly on Just a Minute Because it's deviation, innit. But maybe it would work on "Pointless" Either way, however and nevertheless I don't think it would work on filey Beach Or the beach from the fight them on the beaches speech which was famously delivered by A less-than-ideally-competent spy Whose best disguise was still quite crap Some dungarees and a cloth cap Which made them look like Mario, maybe Or possibly just a moustachio'd baby. But everyone agreed that they looked a lot like Jim or Fred or Bert or Mike.

Rory's Games

Rory's invented a number of games That could make the house go up in flames. Though we'd probably blame Bowser for that He really is an awful prat Especially when he kidnaps the princess Give him an inch and he'll take several inches That's why he's feared across the Mushroom kingdom Songs of his deeds? You know we've singed 'em He's the reason Shy Guys are shy He's the reason sky-high is high He's the reason Big Bird is big And also the reason Miss Piggy's a pig. Nobody knows why Kermit's a Frog It could be so a princess will give him a snog And turn him into something pretty Like the view across a gleaning city With towers and buildings and shining parks Where Legally Distinct Emergency Dog barks.

The least amusing thing ever?

If you can't stand the heat, then don't get an Aga
If you can't stand the cold then don't drink lager.
It's cold and fizzy and made by Foster's
The factory workers are scheduled by rosters
Which list the tasks of the working day,
'Butter the printer, draw on Faye',
You know, all the usual stuff
Is there anything else? Well, I don't give a chuff
I'm off over there now to do something else COMPLETELY
(I added a word there, but very discreetly)
I'll catch up on Twitter, or play Ninja Popes,
In a world without apps I don't know how one copes
I've heard of a strange thing that's called 'conversation'
If it catches on it could sweep the nation
With people talking to one another
Sister to sister, and brother to brother
(They all got appropriate bottles of Coke)
(With their names on the side, as a funny joke)
(It wasn't all that funny really)
The least amusing thing ever? Nearly.

The 'not being some cheese' game

The snazziest pebble on the beach
That's what they call me, and it ain't a reach
I'm smooth and round with a vein running through
Which disgusting cheese are you?
I hope you're not Emmental or Wensleydale,
Because then at the 'not being some cheese' game you'll fail
The winner of that game is always the chalk
He can talk the talk, but can he walk the walk?
And though he's a winner, what is the prize?
You can see it if you look into his eyes.
He knows for sure the word's unrhymable,
Just like Everest's unclimbable.
Oh wait, sorry, I'm talking balls.
(That's a rude word. Tee hee. Lawlz.)
Other rude words include 'arse' and 'wee'
But not 'flauchinochinihilipi-
cation', which is a ridiculous word,
It sounds daft and its meaning is truly absurd
In my dictionary, I've scribbled it out
And replaced it with 'roundabout'.

A cautionary tale

"This is bullshit", exclaimed Mark
As his leg was eaten by a shark
That's what you get when you swim in the sea
Plus a substantial risk of swallowing wee.
That's the chance you take - it's the price of fun
As is seven pounds, two shillings and one.
Boredom's much cheaper - it's half price all week,
So we'll all end up climbing the walls, so to speak
But don't try that literally without a harness
Metaphorically is best - mostly harmless
Just like planet Earth in the Hitchhiker's Guide
The road was short, but ever so wide
It didn't take long to reach the end
It was really just around the bend
Where the village meets the sea
The sea, which (remember?) is full of wee.
It's saturated; it couldn't be fuller
Like demand for new smartphones, or fat in a Muller.
Things which are not saturated include
The oil that an olive when pressed will exude.

Melancholy pie ending

I read it in the Sunday Times
That you were convicted of crimes
I found myself quite mad at you
Like the cat that wouldn't eat the poo
But all, as it transpired, was well
Or seemed to be, but you never can tell
The sun was shining and everyone smiled
The Happiness Index forms were filed
And Permit B-7 obtained for EXCITEMENT!
Though his failure to enter his excess right meant
The permit was void and his license invalid
He wasn't even allowed to make fruit salad
Unless he got a court order
He sat down with a glass of water
And simply watched the world go by
While eating steak & kidney pie.