I read it in the Sunday Times
That you were convicted of crimes
I found myself quite mad at you
Like the cat that wouldn't eat the poo
But all, as it transpired, was well
Or seemed to be, but you never can tell
The sun was shining and everyone smiled
The Happiness Index forms were filed
And Permit B-7 obtained for EXCITEMENT!
Though his failure to enter his excess right meant
The permit was void and his license invalid
He wasn't even allowed to make fruit salad
Unless he got a court order
He sat down with a glass of water
And simply watched the world go by
While eating steak & kidney pie.
Wednesday 29 December 2010
Recipe for disaster
There was an old woman who swallowed a shoe,
It's not the sort of thing she'd normally do.
The recipe came from the Fat Duck cookbook,
And requires Worcester sauce and a lot of luck
Which never seems to come my way
And so, I resign myself to stay
At home, and do the Listener weekly,
And send in the solution meekly
But alas, we never get the prize
The prize of the pies that are made of lies
Our entries are just never quite good enough
We're not really cut out for that sort of stuff.
However, we're awesome at making mince pies
Though eating them isn't entirely wise.
The pastry is laced with a poison so potent
You'd be well advised to stay in yo' tent.
It's not the sort of thing she'd normally do.
The recipe came from the Fat Duck cookbook,
And requires Worcester sauce and a lot of luck
Which never seems to come my way
And so, I resign myself to stay
At home, and do the Listener weekly,
And send in the solution meekly
But alas, we never get the prize
The prize of the pies that are made of lies
Our entries are just never quite good enough
We're not really cut out for that sort of stuff.
However, we're awesome at making mince pies
Though eating them isn't entirely wise.
The pastry is laced with a poison so potent
You'd be well advised to stay in yo' tent.
The Karaoke Deity
Drawing and poetry go hand in hand
Like Ant and Dec or sea and sand.
They make such a harmonious pair
They sing the song from Go Compare
At Karaoke on Wednesday nights
He had a young woman in his sights.
He tried to impress her with a song,
At a karaoke club in Hong Kong.
Where Kung Fu experts liked to gather
And practice kicks; or, if they'd rather
Sometimes punches. It was a sight!
I thought it would go on all night
But God stepped in to stop the fight,
He broke it up with his godly might.
His smiting days were behind him. he felt
He slowly removed his smiting belt
And hung up his Smiting Pants in the hallway
That's how it went - I don't care what they all say.
Like Ant and Dec or sea and sand.
They make such a harmonious pair
They sing the song from Go Compare
At Karaoke on Wednesday nights
He had a young woman in his sights.
He tried to impress her with a song,
At a karaoke club in Hong Kong.
Where Kung Fu experts liked to gather
And practice kicks; or, if they'd rather
Sometimes punches. It was a sight!
I thought it would go on all night
But God stepped in to stop the fight,
He broke it up with his godly might.
His smiting days were behind him. he felt
He slowly removed his smiting belt
And hung up his Smiting Pants in the hallway
That's how it went - I don't care what they all say.
Sunday 22 August 2010
Tool-based Story 3
I gave lots of money to Children in Deen
(I didn't want people to think I was mean)
They used it to build an orphanage for kids,
The contracts going to the highest bids
But the materials those companies used were sub-par
Hence them falling to bits, spilling oil everywhar.
If only they'd used better quality controls
And hadn't got distracted by playing bowls.
But they made the best of a bad situation,
Until they could smile with modest elation
They sold their story to some local rag
Whose sales were already starting to flag.
Nobody read it and nobody cared.
But it turned out OK, 'cos the shed got repaired!
It could once more be useful for storing the mower,
Some shelves had moved higher and some had moved lower
There was even room left for the spade and the hoe
Quite a happy ending, as tool-based stories go.
(I didn't want people to think I was mean)
They used it to build an orphanage for kids,
The contracts going to the highest bids
But the materials those companies used were sub-par
Hence them falling to bits, spilling oil everywhar.
If only they'd used better quality controls
And hadn't got distracted by playing bowls.
But they made the best of a bad situation,
Until they could smile with modest elation
They sold their story to some local rag
Whose sales were already starting to flag.
Nobody read it and nobody cared.
But it turned out OK, 'cos the shed got repaired!
It could once more be useful for storing the mower,
Some shelves had moved higher and some had moved lower
There was even room left for the spade and the hoe
Quite a happy ending, as tool-based stories go.
Laureate Schmaureate
O waxy man, O waxy man,
How lovely is your frying pan?
You've got the cash for good cookware
You earned it at last year's book fair
But that was before you forgot how to read
After which it became very taxing indeed.
It got slightly easier two ours in,
Especially with earplugs to cancel the din.
In fact it was peaceful, and reasonably quiet,
So I recommend that one day soon you try it
Unless you're in the mood for something more raucous
Like a fiery address at a subversive caucus
In that case you'd better call George Galloway
Though he often responds in a most shallow way
So he won't be much use if you don't stroke his ego.
He'll just mope about and go wherever we go.
And who needs a man with such lack of direction?*
This poem is amazing. Who needs Andrew Motion?
*It should be noted that this was misread as 'devotion'.
How lovely is your frying pan?
You've got the cash for good cookware
You earned it at last year's book fair
But that was before you forgot how to read
After which it became very taxing indeed.
It got slightly easier two ours in,
Especially with earplugs to cancel the din.
In fact it was peaceful, and reasonably quiet,
So I recommend that one day soon you try it
Unless you're in the mood for something more raucous
Like a fiery address at a subversive caucus
In that case you'd better call George Galloway
Though he often responds in a most shallow way
So he won't be much use if you don't stroke his ego.
He'll just mope about and go wherever we go.
And who needs a man with such lack of direction?*
This poem is amazing. Who needs Andrew Motion?
*It should be noted that this was misread as 'devotion'.
Predator
His eye was aglint as he bore down on his prey
He started running faster, just in case it got away.
Eventually he cornered it, between a pair of trees,
And with one punch he rendered it aquiver on its knees.
He yelled out his demands at it, and lo, it acquiesced
And once it had fulfilled them, it humbly confessed
That all it ever wanted was somebody to love
And maybe a balloon to soar up above
To make all the people look tiny and antlike
In their cars and their taxis, their BMX stunt-bikes
Popping their wheelies, and getting sick air
And always regretting the gel in their hair.
He started running faster, just in case it got away.
Eventually he cornered it, between a pair of trees,
And with one punch he rendered it aquiver on its knees.
He yelled out his demands at it, and lo, it acquiesced
And once it had fulfilled them, it humbly confessed
That all it ever wanted was somebody to love
And maybe a balloon to soar up above
To make all the people look tiny and antlike
In their cars and their taxis, their BMX stunt-bikes
Popping their wheelies, and getting sick air
And always regretting the gel in their hair.
Hypersquare dream
There once was a cube called The Cube
It starred with Philip Schofield on the tube
But of Gordon the Gopher there was no sign
Neither on the telly, nor online
Instead, it fell to Edd the Duck
Who bummed it up and said "oh no".
But it was caught by Captain Hook,
Who's just a character in a book
So that's when I knew I was dreaming
I was so angry my ears were steaming
For I can't stand rapid eye movement
So I just stay awake; a marked improvement.
It starred with Philip Schofield on the tube
But of Gordon the Gopher there was no sign
Neither on the telly, nor online
Instead, it fell to Edd the Duck
Who bummed it up and said "oh no".
But it was caught by Captain Hook,
Who's just a character in a book
So that's when I knew I was dreaming
I was so angry my ears were steaming
For I can't stand rapid eye movement
So I just stay awake; a marked improvement.
Picnic Hazards
Picnics are truly amazing,
With scones and with teacakes with raisins
The one danger is wasps may attack you.
And your boss might feel compelled to sack you.
I suppose it's a risk that you take
And it's your fault if any bones break.
Thank God we've got the NHS!
And the BBC! And a BMX!
I popped me a wheelie, and got some sick air
I then got some hair gel and spiked up my hair
I have to admit it, I looked pretty rad,
Though the cut and the size and the stitching were bad.
With scones and with teacakes with raisins
The one danger is wasps may attack you.
And your boss might feel compelled to sack you.
I suppose it's a risk that you take
And it's your fault if any bones break.
Thank God we've got the NHS!
And the BBC! And a BMX!
I popped me a wheelie, and got some sick air
I then got some hair gel and spiked up my hair
I have to admit it, I looked pretty rad,
Though the cut and the size and the stitching were bad.
On Confusion
There once was a creature who came from the moon.
I think that he's going back there quite soon.
He got rather confuzzled by our earthly ways
Like the silly names we give to days.
Our architecture was most confusing
The reverse balconies were most bemusing
The only view was back in at the foyer
Suddenly nearby appeared Verne Troyer
(You know him, the midget who's in Austin Powers)
(You know, on the stairs in the car-parking towers)
(You see them, on banisters, at the exchange)
To the untrained eye they can look quite strange.
I think that he's going back there quite soon.
He got rather confuzzled by our earthly ways
Like the silly names we give to days.
Our architecture was most confusing
The reverse balconies were most bemusing
The only view was back in at the foyer
Suddenly nearby appeared Verne Troyer
(You know him, the midget who's in Austin Powers)
(You know, on the stairs in the car-parking towers)
(You see them, on banisters, at the exchange)
To the untrained eye they can look quite strange.
Humphrey's Lament
Being Humphrey can be taxing
Though often it's relaxing -
There's very little work to do
When Ed Balls' done it all for you
Though he's probably not done a very good job
He's been quite lazy, and a bit of a slob
He's cut lots of corners, his standards are low,
But the number of mourners was roughly zero.
His circle was tiny; his friends were made-up
Over tea he had no company but the cup
He decided speed dating was the way to do
(Ironic for one so incredibly slow.)
Though often it's relaxing -
There's very little work to do
When Ed Balls' done it all for you
Though he's probably not done a very good job
He's been quite lazy, and a bit of a slob
He's cut lots of corners, his standards are low,
But the number of mourners was roughly zero.
His circle was tiny; his friends were made-up
Over tea he had no company but the cup
He decided speed dating was the way to do
(Ironic for one so incredibly slow.)
Sunday 16 May 2010
Ode to Matt Smith
The eleventh Doctor’s called Matt Smith,
He fights creepy monsters like the Sith,
But not them; they’re not in Doctor Who,
But the Daleks are, and the Cybermen too
They screech "EX-TER-MI-NATE" or "DELETE!"
The human race thinks it’s dead meat
Thank god for the man in the little blue box
With his little blue pants, and his little blue socks.
He will save us from all of the evils we face,
All the while grinning from his lovely face.
He’s also been known to wear a bow tie,
And scare off a spaceship with one massive eye
While wearing a jacket that never existed,
He took on the Cybermen -- but they resisted!
The Cybermen had him surrounded, but then,
He short-circuited them using only a pen
So through the humble biro the whole world was saved
And on it a message of thanks was engraved.
He fights creepy monsters like the Sith,
But not them; they’re not in Doctor Who,
But the Daleks are, and the Cybermen too
They screech "EX-TER-MI-NATE" or "DELETE!"
The human race thinks it’s dead meat
Thank god for the man in the little blue box
With his little blue pants, and his little blue socks.
He will save us from all of the evils we face,
All the while grinning from his lovely face.
He’s also been known to wear a bow tie,
And scare off a spaceship with one massive eye
While wearing a jacket that never existed,
He took on the Cybermen -- but they resisted!
The Cybermen had him surrounded, but then,
He short-circuited them using only a pen
So through the humble biro the whole world was saved
And on it a message of thanks was engraved.
Monday 12 April 2010
A Birthday Poem for Andrew
Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you!
It said it in a poem so I know it must be true.
This day is your birthday, and happy it must be,
Just make sure you don’t get so excited you wee
For now you’re a grown up you must stay composed
Even when circumstances aren’t what you supposed;
So if you open a present and find a dead rat,
Simply wear it as a party hat!
The day will fly by in a wild haze of joy
The world will shout "Watch Out, Excitement Ahoy!"
And when you get home you’ll be properly tired
But fear not! for your birthday has not yet expired
There’s still time to eat party rings, jelly and cake
There’ll be Cadbury Fingers too, make no mistake.
After all of that stuff you’re sure gonna be ill
You’ll spew and you’ll chuck and you’ll vomit until
You long for the sweet, sweet release of the grave.
Eternal rest is the ending you crave.
The tone of this poem’s become quite macabre,
So I’ll magic it happier: abracadabra!
It said it in a poem so I know it must be true.
This day is your birthday, and happy it must be,
Just make sure you don’t get so excited you wee
For now you’re a grown up you must stay composed
Even when circumstances aren’t what you supposed;
So if you open a present and find a dead rat,
Simply wear it as a party hat!
The day will fly by in a wild haze of joy
The world will shout "Watch Out, Excitement Ahoy!"
And when you get home you’ll be properly tired
But fear not! for your birthday has not yet expired
There’s still time to eat party rings, jelly and cake
There’ll be Cadbury Fingers too, make no mistake.
After all of that stuff you’re sure gonna be ill
You’ll spew and you’ll chuck and you’ll vomit until
You long for the sweet, sweet release of the grave.
Eternal rest is the ending you crave.
The tone of this poem’s become quite macabre,
So I’ll magic it happier: abracadabra!
Tuesday 6 April 2010
On the dangers of birds
Once there was a man whose hair was red
And whereever he went the people said,
"Look at his hair! Look how it shines,
It falls from his head in exactly straight lines
Except at the end where it curls up a bit
Like a kitten that’s found somewhere comfy to sit.
It has to be flattened in a trouser press,
Or else you end up with a terrible mess.
Don’t come crying to me if you don’t heed my words,
You may very well find yourself hated by birds.
They often hold grudges, that’s how birds can be,
Their cutesy façade hides a long memory.
So beware! If you’ve ever had chicken tandoori,
If not properly cooked, it could make you quite poorly.
Sometimes it’s better to stick with a salad
That’s the real take-home message of this little ballad.
And it must be one Gillian McKeith would endorse
For the poo was well-coloured, and not at all coarse.
And whereever he went the people said,
"Look at his hair! Look how it shines,
It falls from his head in exactly straight lines
Except at the end where it curls up a bit
Like a kitten that’s found somewhere comfy to sit.
It has to be flattened in a trouser press,
Or else you end up with a terrible mess.
Don’t come crying to me if you don’t heed my words,
You may very well find yourself hated by birds.
They often hold grudges, that’s how birds can be,
Their cutesy façade hides a long memory.
So beware! If you’ve ever had chicken tandoori,
If not properly cooked, it could make you quite poorly.
Sometimes it’s better to stick with a salad
That’s the real take-home message of this little ballad.
And it must be one Gillian McKeith would endorse
For the poo was well-coloured, and not at all coarse.
Sunday 4 April 2010
Trucky trucky shoe shoe
He knew it as soon as he opened the door,
And heard the chameleon land on the floor
With a thud, and a crack and a sad sort of squeak,
It was quickly dispatched in a gross fit of pique.
But anyway, sorry, it seems I digress -
The important thing is I must confess
To a terrible thing that I did to a duck
And the time that I stole a massive green truck
From Eddie Stobart's central depot
The lorry set off — where did it go?
It went to Leeds, it went to New York
It went to Iceland and partied with Björk
Then it went home for a nice cup of tea,
And a chocolate cheese slice and a biscuit or three.
After that it felt sleepy, so went for a snooze
In one of a pair of fine ladies' shoes.
The suede was all ruined! the insole was soiled!
The laces were frayed and the spring was uncoiled.
A normal shoe would have had no spring at all
But this one was bouncier than a beach ball.
And heard the chameleon land on the floor
With a thud, and a crack and a sad sort of squeak,
It was quickly dispatched in a gross fit of pique.
But anyway, sorry, it seems I digress -
The important thing is I must confess
To a terrible thing that I did to a duck
And the time that I stole a massive green truck
From Eddie Stobart's central depot
The lorry set off — where did it go?
It went to Leeds, it went to New York
It went to Iceland and partied with Björk
Then it went home for a nice cup of tea,
And a chocolate cheese slice and a biscuit or three.
After that it felt sleepy, so went for a snooze
In one of a pair of fine ladies' shoes.
The suede was all ruined! the insole was soiled!
The laces were frayed and the spring was uncoiled.
A normal shoe would have had no spring at all
But this one was bouncier than a beach ball.
Saturday 3 April 2010
On Being Edible
It is never easy being edible.
Insurance costs are just incredible.
You'll get no help from Go Compare
That singing man is not all there.
If anything the meerkat's worse,
I wish that he'd develop MRS-
A sickness from an unclean ward
Made a rampaging undead horde.
The zombies plied their evil trade
- selling pirated DVDs of Michael Grade
and some woman who was once on the One Show
Who stood on the sofa shouting "look at me now, though!
"I once was on Crimewatch, and once on the Bill
"And even Eastenders for a while, until
"I realised that wasn't in fact about crime
"But rather, a story of desperate rhyme
"Conducted by fools with no poetic skill,"
They did the new theme music for 'The Bill'.
Insurance costs are just incredible.
You'll get no help from Go Compare
That singing man is not all there.
If anything the meerkat's worse,
I wish that he'd develop MRS-
A sickness from an unclean ward
Made a rampaging undead horde.
The zombies plied their evil trade
- selling pirated DVDs of Michael Grade
and some woman who was once on the One Show
Who stood on the sofa shouting "look at me now, though!
"I once was on Crimewatch, and once on the Bill
"And even Eastenders for a while, until
"I realised that wasn't in fact about crime
"But rather, a story of desperate rhyme
"Conducted by fools with no poetic skill,"
They did the new theme music for 'The Bill'.
Winning and Losing
I can never believe it when I win the lottery,
You'd think it was rigged, it happens such a lot-to-me.
I always pick seven, nine and forty-two,
Because that's what a sensible fellow would do.
But despite this, inevitably, I always lose
And forfeit my packet of fizzy fruit chews.
At least it helps me to look after me teeth
With the polish on top and the plaque beneath
They don't look too bad if you ignore the yellow
An easier task for a colourblind fellow
Like Hugh who can't truly deduce a true hue
All things to him look the colour of poo.
It's really a pain when defusing a bomb,
If all the material you can work from
Is that U2 album that says it will help
But in fact, it transpires, is useless as kelp
Or seaweed, as I think it's more commonly known,
And the rest you shall have to work out on your own.
You'd think it was rigged, it happens such a lot-to-me.
I always pick seven, nine and forty-two,
Because that's what a sensible fellow would do.
But despite this, inevitably, I always lose
And forfeit my packet of fizzy fruit chews.
At least it helps me to look after me teeth
With the polish on top and the plaque beneath
They don't look too bad if you ignore the yellow
An easier task for a colourblind fellow
Like Hugh who can't truly deduce a true hue
All things to him look the colour of poo.
It's really a pain when defusing a bomb,
If all the material you can work from
Is that U2 album that says it will help
But in fact, it transpires, is useless as kelp
Or seaweed, as I think it's more commonly known,
And the rest you shall have to work out on your own.
A POEM by us.
The raven in the jester's hat
Is playing poker with a cat,
It's not going too well, it's true
My entire body is turning blue
I'm sure James Cameron would be pleased
Since you can watch it in 3D.
Admittedly the plot is stolen
And many of the characters' limbs are swollen
And half of the parts will be played by robots
There's act-bots and prop-bots and yes-bots and no-bots
And sad-bots and glad-bots and straight-bots and slant-bots
And big-bots and small-bots and sock-bots and pant-bots
All of them marching in time to the tune
And watching the sheep by the light of the moon.
I never shall see such a fine sight again
It must happen less than one time in ten
I could attempt to prove that with a formula
But Paul keeps giving me impossible words to rhyme.
Is playing poker with a cat,
It's not going too well, it's true
My entire body is turning blue
I'm sure James Cameron would be pleased
Since you can watch it in 3D.
Admittedly the plot is stolen
And many of the characters' limbs are swollen
And half of the parts will be played by robots
There's act-bots and prop-bots and yes-bots and no-bots
And sad-bots and glad-bots and straight-bots and slant-bots
And big-bots and small-bots and sock-bots and pant-bots
All of them marching in time to the tune
And watching the sheep by the light of the moon.
I never shall see such a fine sight again
It must happen less than one time in ten
I could attempt to prove that with a formula
But Paul keeps giving me impossible words to rhyme.
The Important Thing Is I Was Wearing An Onion On My Belt, Which Was The Style At The Time
I'll tell you a tale of a magical fox
And his magical shoes and his musical socks
And his whimsical friend, a rabbit called Phil
Who wears a bow-tie which he bought from the Mill.
It was 10% off and made out of pure silk
With a topping of crumble and carnation milk
And hundreds and thousands, and marzipan fruit,
And a few of those small silver balls to boot
With ball bearings mixed in for a frisson of danger
Like licking the earlobes of a total stranger.
Last time I did that I was stabbed with a knife
And that's when I decided to move up to Fife.
It's green here, and Scottish, and full of nice things
Like baubles with tartan and emerald rings,
Deep-fried, of course, because that's how they like it,
Assembled, by hand, from a mulberry pie kit.
Andrew keeps giving me lines about food,
He must be in a typically hungry mood.
And his magical shoes and his musical socks
And his whimsical friend, a rabbit called Phil
Who wears a bow-tie which he bought from the Mill.
It was 10% off and made out of pure silk
With a topping of crumble and carnation milk
And hundreds and thousands, and marzipan fruit,
And a few of those small silver balls to boot
With ball bearings mixed in for a frisson of danger
Like licking the earlobes of a total stranger.
Last time I did that I was stabbed with a knife
And that's when I decided to move up to Fife.
It's green here, and Scottish, and full of nice things
Like baubles with tartan and emerald rings,
Deep-fried, of course, because that's how they like it,
Assembled, by hand, from a mulberry pie kit.
Andrew keeps giving me lines about food,
He must be in a typically hungry mood.
Cheeses Saves
It's not easy being green, but it's harder being blue
Said the depressed yet jolly Giant, in a TV interview
Which went out a week last Thursday on Channel 65
We watched until Brian Blessed shouted 'Gordon's Alive!'
Which was sooner than any of us had expected
After all, Gordon Brown wasn't even elected!
On the other hand, Cameron's a waxy-faced ponce
And a cad, and an arse, and a fool, and a nonce,
And a slimy purveyor of - sorry, I'm rambling
I can't help it since I gave up gambling.
This was only one of my vices
Along with drugs, sex, murder, theft and chocices
Yes, it, crime and desserts, they comprise my top three
Things to fill time between dinner and tea.
I usually dine on fish fingers and rice,
But last night the cat cooked so we all had fresh mice.
We served them with cheese, and it tasted OK.
So in the end dairy produce saved the day.
Said the depressed yet jolly Giant, in a TV interview
Which went out a week last Thursday on Channel 65
We watched until Brian Blessed shouted 'Gordon's Alive!'
Which was sooner than any of us had expected
After all, Gordon Brown wasn't even elected!
On the other hand, Cameron's a waxy-faced ponce
And a cad, and an arse, and a fool, and a nonce,
And a slimy purveyor of - sorry, I'm rambling
I can't help it since I gave up gambling.
This was only one of my vices
Along with drugs, sex, murder, theft and chocices
Yes, it, crime and desserts, they comprise my top three
Things to fill time between dinner and tea.
I usually dine on fish fingers and rice,
But last night the cat cooked so we all had fresh mice.
We served them with cheese, and it tasted OK.
So in the end dairy produce saved the day.
Pea Sonnet
Shall I compare thee to an Easter egg?
Or are you really much more like Nick Clegg?
Or would 'You're like a shoe' be more astute?
Either way you'd look quite cute.
But don't decide in too much of a rush
Between peas served discretely and peas in a mush.
As fish supper accomp'niments, both have their charms
But only one leaves you without legs or arms.
It's never been easy to tell them apart,
But Inspector McGrew had it down to an art.
You could tell by the size and the colour and shape
It wasn't an ordinary man's kind of cape.
And that's when I realised he was Superman,
And with that my troubles all really began.
I was chased by a man with a thumb for a nose
Who could hitch a lift with his hand in his clothes.
He couldn't catch me because I'm so fast
He ran for a mile 'fore a second elapsed.
Doctor Who and the Laughing Bridge
A sculpture park visit would not be complete
Without three giant men with holes in their feet.
And writing a word in the dust on a sign
'Alone' was the word, but still he felt fine.
He continued his picnic, all by himself,
A crushingly lonely but well-fed elf.
At the lakeside he thought about ending it all
His lonely picnic had been too great a fall
From the dizzying heights of society life
He fell into trouble and fell into strife.
It was sad for Matt Smith, who had been a good friend
So he went back in time to that time last weekend
When they'd all had french fries with lashings of sauce
And hundreds and thousands, and gravy (of course).
When they had finished, they were all promptly sick
But two dozen aspirin soon did the trick
In twenty-five minutes they were back on their feet
And they went off to Greggs for a well-deserved treat.
Without three giant men with holes in their feet.
And writing a word in the dust on a sign
'Alone' was the word, but still he felt fine.
He continued his picnic, all by himself,
A crushingly lonely but well-fed elf.
At the lakeside he thought about ending it all
His lonely picnic had been too great a fall
From the dizzying heights of society life
He fell into trouble and fell into strife.
It was sad for Matt Smith, who had been a good friend
So he went back in time to that time last weekend
When they'd all had french fries with lashings of sauce
And hundreds and thousands, and gravy (of course).
When they had finished, they were all promptly sick
But two dozen aspirin soon did the trick
In twenty-five minutes they were back on their feet
And they went off to Greggs for a well-deserved treat.
Ode To Easter
Eastertime, chocolate eggs and wine
Doctor Who travelling through time
Creek in a windmill and fresh hot cross buns
Its theme music that everyone can hum:
De dum, de dum, de dum de dum, de diddly diddly dum de-dummm
From nowhere, there came a cry - "Your Mum!"
The whole room descended into deathly quiet
And he said "Oh yeah? Then let's see you try it."
But try it he did, and even succeeded:
A simple device was all that was needed.
Made up of gaffa tape, knickers and string
(Now that's precisely my kind of thing -
Oh, pardon me, I'm getting distracted...)
Your little speech became rather protracted
I stopped listening after you said 'seventhly...'
There is no way to end this line elegantly.
Suffice it to say that no animals were hurt,
When it turned out the virus had long been inert.
Doctor Who travelling through time
Creek in a windmill and fresh hot cross buns
Its theme music that everyone can hum:
De dum, de dum, de dum de dum, de diddly diddly dum de-dummm
From nowhere, there came a cry - "Your Mum!"
The whole room descended into deathly quiet
And he said "Oh yeah? Then let's see you try it."
But try it he did, and even succeeded:
A simple device was all that was needed.
Made up of gaffa tape, knickers and string
(Now that's precisely my kind of thing -
Oh, pardon me, I'm getting distracted...)
Your little speech became rather protracted
I stopped listening after you said 'seventhly...'
There is no way to end this line elegantly.
Suffice it to say that no animals were hurt,
When it turned out the virus had long been inert.
A Simple Tale
He knew at a glance that this wouldn't end well
- He'd started detecting a corpsey smell.
But shrugging this off, he continued to dig
Until his hole was very big.
A simple pursuit for a simple man
With a simple house and a simple van
And a simple hat and a simple wife
And a simple house and a simple life
And a simple cat and a simple dog
And a needlessly over-complicated frog
Whose legs were made out of Fermat's Last Theorem
And whose screams were so loud that the Eskimos could hear 'em.
It took them a while to discover the body,
For professional detectives their work was quite shoddy:
Too many doughnuts; too little forensics
But never mind that - are you able to lend six
Grand to my wife, as she's really quite sick
So shut up and get her to hospital, quick!
The Murderer's Last Supper
Oh how I wish I were a bee
It would be super, you'd agree.
Communicating facts through dance
A crowd was watching, in a trance
Mesmerised by the swirling movement
Threatening to engulf all humans.
"It rhymes" cried the poet, "don't say that it doesn't"
"And anyway, there's no time like the present."
And with that he was off in a big puff of smoke
A strange exit for such an ordinary bloke.
It just goes to show that you never can tell
You've got a corpse until it starts to smell
- If it is hidden underneath the stairs
Behind the piles of eggnog and chairs
And fish finger butties and caribou horns
With custard and mustard and black peppercorns
He ate it all down and declared it amazing
And so the tale ended with all guns a-blazing.
It would be super, you'd agree.
Communicating facts through dance
A crowd was watching, in a trance
Mesmerised by the swirling movement
Threatening to engulf all humans.
"It rhymes" cried the poet, "don't say that it doesn't"
"And anyway, there's no time like the present."
And with that he was off in a big puff of smoke
A strange exit for such an ordinary bloke.
It just goes to show that you never can tell
You've got a corpse until it starts to smell
- If it is hidden underneath the stairs
Behind the piles of eggnog and chairs
And fish finger butties and caribou horns
With custard and mustard and black peppercorns
He ate it all down and declared it amazing
And so the tale ended with all guns a-blazing.
Definitely Libellous
The day had started badly for the Pope -
Caught buttering a stolen antelope
And splashed across that day's Vatican Star
Was the scoop that the Pope decked someone in a bar.
For the Catholic Church 'twas a PR disaster
When it turned out the Pope was really the Master.
He was evil and mental and played by John Simm
(No other actor could quite portray him).
Suddenly it transpired he can kill you with lightning
And what had been a boring day turned quite exciting
As I sidestepped the lethally charged forking ions,
I was mauled by a pride of starvation-fuelled lions
Who left me alone when they saw I was ill
Leaving flowers and grapes upon my windowsill.
Happily though, I recovered quite soon
(Unless you believe that lying bastard Geoff Hoon
and his partner in crime, the damnable Harman,
the tortoise, the hare, the Queen and the barman.)
Caught buttering a stolen antelope
And splashed across that day's Vatican Star
Was the scoop that the Pope decked someone in a bar.
For the Catholic Church 'twas a PR disaster
When it turned out the Pope was really the Master.
He was evil and mental and played by John Simm
(No other actor could quite portray him).
Suddenly it transpired he can kill you with lightning
And what had been a boring day turned quite exciting
As I sidestepped the lethally charged forking ions,
I was mauled by a pride of starvation-fuelled lions
Who left me alone when they saw I was ill
Leaving flowers and grapes upon my windowsill.
Happily though, I recovered quite soon
(Unless you believe that lying bastard Geoff Hoon
and his partner in crime, the damnable Harman,
the tortoise, the hare, the Queen and the barman.)
Cliffhanger
My Uncle Brian has super powers:
He can turn lanterns into flowers.
Useful when there's an abundance of lighting
Or when the celeb on the train is alighting
Before you went over to wish them `good day'.
You started to wish they'd just all go away.
But this was impossible, sadly, because
It was ten times the size that it usually was.
No-one was sure what had caused it to grow,
And suddenly John shouted "Look out below!"
For it was so huge it had toppled right over,
an impressive feat for the White Cliffs of Dover.
An embarrassed red hue crossed their chalky façade
As they said "Oh, my dear, you are such a card!"
Attempting to conceal their genuine feelings
Beneath a huge pile of potato peelings.
The effort was feeble, and quite soon it failed
And into the sunset the two of them sailed.
The Ballad of Fry & Glover
'Eat poo, you cat!' threatened the evil dog
When suddenly there descended a cloud of smog
Blocking out the sun, and most of the sky,
A saner man would run from the Collosus Pie.
The pastry was thick and the filling delicious
But alas, the intention behind it malicious.
For the pie had been poisoned, a murder most foul
And the only suspect was a suspicious owl.
'Hoot! Hoot! Hoot! Hoot! Hoot! Hoot! Hoot! Hoot!'
An owl trading from a car boot
He's not the one from Harry Potter,
Who wrote evil lies in an A5 jotter
About how Stephen Fry and Danny Glover
Shot up a bus stop, two tramps and each other.
It made all the papers - it made the front page!
It sent the Express readers into a rage!
But next day it was just wrapping up fish and chips
And the news had moved on to the solar eclipse.
When suddenly there descended a cloud of smog
Blocking out the sun, and most of the sky,
A saner man would run from the Collosus Pie.
The pastry was thick and the filling delicious
But alas, the intention behind it malicious.
For the pie had been poisoned, a murder most foul
And the only suspect was a suspicious owl.
'Hoot! Hoot! Hoot! Hoot! Hoot! Hoot! Hoot! Hoot!'
An owl trading from a car boot
He's not the one from Harry Potter,
Who wrote evil lies in an A5 jotter
About how Stephen Fry and Danny Glover
Shot up a bus stop, two tramps and each other.
It made all the papers - it made the front page!
It sent the Express readers into a rage!
But next day it was just wrapping up fish and chips
And the news had moved on to the solar eclipse.
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